maybe ur love is the sort that has to develop over time.

i dont think i will ever learn to be independent. cause everytime i think im about to start learning howta take care of myself, someone pops by and starts taking care of me (for now tht is). and i feel uberly duperly blessed and lucky. but at times, i wonder if this is right, me depending on the new person all ready to take care of me, give in to me and cheer me up whenever whereever. like wad if the one now left, and the next/other person takes ten billion years to arrive, like will i then be crumbling into depression like well before, just tht i was saved in the nick of time before, and well in a pretty fast and consecutive nicks ofs times too.

the brutal/honest truth is that i realised i need distractions, distractions from my pain, misery, loneliness, memories and insecurities, and no im not using people to just well merely distract me. but i have these people, to constantly appear and well thankfully distract me. but i just, dont want to depend so excessively, though fine i realised wad i sometimes want to do is completely opposite from what i end up doing.

on a random note, had this really interesting talk with vonny yips today, like how u know girls like us restrain control, rein in our emotions so we look like we are ever ready to fix things ourselves, to maintain this "image" that we well are perfectly neutralised beings with the confidence of a erm... ris low? haha. ok fine not funny. but well, see i for one, would reel in ALL and i mean ALL my emotions at any point (most of the time). for eg: when i get surprises from you know whos with you know wads (ok just rambling), i smile, demurely, happily, and say thank you. BUT HEY. IN MY LITTLE FIST-SIZED HEART (and this is some injection of my scientific knowledge) im screaming HELLLLL YEAAAA! O MY TIAN O MY TIAN! THIS IS SOOOOOO SWEET LOVELY COOL! THANK U THANK U THANK U. LOVES IT LOVES U LOVES THE DAY. but well, i reel it all in, and mutter. thank you. (cues gentle loving smile) and almost immediately i then detect this sense of "wah lao like tht only ah feeling" i get from you know whos with their you know whats. upon which from certain individuals the statement of "next time dont surprise u alr" can then be heard. but hey lovelies. i seriously am loving it (mac shld pay me for incorporating this, wait, o ya im not a famous blogger). the point is. why o why o why do girls like US (STRESSING THE FACT THT IM NOT ALONE, THERES WELL VONNY YIP), hold back all our emotions. our pride? sigh. i realised pride aint no nth no more in this world yos, when u let the one u love down. so fine, i get it. i will tell u how i love the surprise when i get the surprise ok (notes to self notes to self)

in conclusion. i would like to argue that we girls shld express out emotions when we can. but please not telling u to end up being a bitchy ass and like showing ur emotions WITHOUT BOUNDARIES HOR. xie xie.