everything you want.

beryl is a genius, she finished her education essay one day before the dateline (like how amazing yos).

beryl thinks vonny the best friend is questioning her ability to pick a boyfriend, beryl is very worried about this.

beryl is afraid that vonny's words might come true (touches wood many many times).

beryl does not want to rise from one depression to fall into another.

beryl is VERY HUNGRY now, but she is alone and waiting for her best monday breakfast partner aka uncle lam to finish his lab so she can makan.

beryl thinks avocado juice rocks her socks.

beryl thinks staying at sheares hall on sundays was the best decision she has ever made.

beryl think weiwen loves her UBER MUCH because she feeds weiwen and makes her laugh her ass off.

beryl likes to think that this week will be exciting max.

beryl is uber happy that shes fish-spa-ing again (shakes butt).

beryl wants to know if yuan yuan and vonny wants to go let fishes nibble their feet.

beryl will also be going for the baba-bling exhibition (SCREAMSSSS YAYYYYY).

beryl is happppppyyy that u remembered.

beryl thinks both best friends should cross-examine mr hippo (while lettting fishes nibble at their feet) so that she can determine whos level of humour wins (although the answer is HOW obvious).

beryl is waiting for rachel liau-ey and dragon/phoenix lover qi-tan to hurry unite again as the happy trio so that they can traumatise mr hippo.

beryl doesnt know about how mr hippo is catergorised in her life yet.

beryl thinks the only fair thing she can do for u and her is to get over everything before she can start on a clean clean slate with u.

beryl needs time.

beryl still sinks into solitary shut off the world sadness mode sometimes. (but she thinks its getting lesser, and she is glad about it)

beryl likes the little surprises now and then. :)

beryl needs caramel frappe with less whipped cream and more caramel drizzle AGAIN.

beryl likes to irritate everyone.

beryl thinks talking in third person perspective is actually QUITE FUN.

glorious

Thank you, for leaving me(this is so not sarcastic), but thank you, because it made me learn howta love others(more and more). :)

So this is what it feels like
This is how it feels, now im finally smiling on the inside
This is what it looks like, this is how it looks from the outside staring in
And it’s glorious just to laugh like us
And the world will turn it'll never stop
Cos I’ve nothing to hide, we’ve got nothing lose
And it’s glorious yeah it’s all I see on a day like this you know it 's meant to be
Now I’ve got nothing to hide I’ve got nothing to lose, but you
And it’s glorious

kills self

is like totally lost, cause she doesnt know what she is doing/did.

yea mans.

give me a little more time

maybe it really is going a lil too fast.

cause sometimes i get uber happy, and sometimes i get uber worried.

any o hows. im supposed to be doing my ageing essay now, but yes, im not. argh!

shld start ta concentrate. sighs.

just so u know

thank you. :)

for starbucks coffee(s), pinky the frower, the quirky notepads and endless suppers. (IM STILL PMS-ING) (and i do say thank you alrights :P )

random thought

cause you brought out the best in me, but u left too soon.

argh! shld start doing some work.

maybe ur love is the sort that has to develop over time.

i dont think i will ever learn to be independent. cause everytime i think im about to start learning howta take care of myself, someone pops by and starts taking care of me (for now tht is). and i feel uberly duperly blessed and lucky. but at times, i wonder if this is right, me depending on the new person all ready to take care of me, give in to me and cheer me up whenever whereever. like wad if the one now left, and the next/other person takes ten billion years to arrive, like will i then be crumbling into depression like well before, just tht i was saved in the nick of time before, and well in a pretty fast and consecutive nicks ofs times too.

the brutal/honest truth is that i realised i need distractions, distractions from my pain, misery, loneliness, memories and insecurities, and no im not using people to just well merely distract me. but i have these people, to constantly appear and well thankfully distract me. but i just, dont want to depend so excessively, though fine i realised wad i sometimes want to do is completely opposite from what i end up doing.

on a random note, had this really interesting talk with vonny yips today, like how u know girls like us restrain control, rein in our emotions so we look like we are ever ready to fix things ourselves, to maintain this "image" that we well are perfectly neutralised beings with the confidence of a erm... ris low? haha. ok fine not funny. but well, see i for one, would reel in ALL and i mean ALL my emotions at any point (most of the time). for eg: when i get surprises from you know whos with you know wads (ok just rambling), i smile, demurely, happily, and say thank you. BUT HEY. IN MY LITTLE FIST-SIZED HEART (and this is some injection of my scientific knowledge) im screaming HELLLLL YEAAAA! O MY TIAN O MY TIAN! THIS IS SOOOOOO SWEET LOVELY COOL! THANK U THANK U THANK U. LOVES IT LOVES U LOVES THE DAY. but well, i reel it all in, and mutter. thank you. (cues gentle loving smile) and almost immediately i then detect this sense of "wah lao like tht only ah feeling" i get from you know whos with their you know whats. upon which from certain individuals the statement of "next time dont surprise u alr" can then be heard. but hey lovelies. i seriously am loving it (mac shld pay me for incorporating this, wait, o ya im not a famous blogger). the point is. why o why o why do girls like US (STRESSING THE FACT THT IM NOT ALONE, THERES WELL VONNY YIP), hold back all our emotions. our pride? sigh. i realised pride aint no nth no more in this world yos, when u let the one u love down. so fine, i get it. i will tell u how i love the surprise when i get the surprise ok (notes to self notes to self)

in conclusion. i would like to argue that we girls shld express out emotions when we can. but please not telling u to end up being a bitchy ass and like showing ur emotions WITHOUT BOUNDARIES HOR. xie xie.

give me a little more time,

years go by will i choke on my tears, till finally there is nothing left.

well i love the way we communicate, ur eyes focus on my funny lip shape.

everybody looking at u, here take hold of hand.

wad if im a mermaid in this jeans of yours with her name still on it.

silent all these years.

i've been here, silent all these years.

nth new, been doing nth productive, but having a whale of a time.
the fish farm was great. i have yummmilicious feet by the way.
and i have decided to come up with a pictorial list of my favourite people.
:)
for these are my favourite things.

cause u make me smile please stay for awhile now.

fifiiii is extremely stressed/ irritated bout tmrws exam.

sexuality sexuality sexuality.

can the info just like diffuse into my head PRETTY PLEASE.

cant afford ta screw up like how i screwed up nm.

eeeeeeeeeeeek.

PLEASE LET ME KEEP MY SECOND UPPERRRRR.

ROARS.

how can i possibly drop 0.2 last sem.

kills self.

recalls wad tong said: don get a boyfriend in uni.

looks at current state.

(screams TAN YUAN YUAN QUICK PULL ME OUT OF THIS AGAIN)

thank u for the ballloooons :)

会是爱得不够多,还是根本爱错

because i dont think im ready to love again, or mayb i never did knew how.

and i dont exactly have an idea of what im getting myself into now.

when well, all i should be doing is studying.

but here i am, with a physically tiring job and tons of readings piled up.

but still, here i am.

sometimes, its scary being happy, its as though i never did deserve it.

错在那不该做的一直做
该说的没有说

this time around, i will tell u when i heart u alright. :) i, well have stopped using the word promise, since i dont believe in promises myself. but i'lllllllll try. :) so yes i will say what i say whether it sounds like a spoilt brat, a dumbass, or a stupid fool in love, cause what good does it bring to keep what i feel in my heart, and smile to myself when im alone. well none. so yes. thank u for letting me learn tht i havta tell u how i feel what i feel whenever whereever without worrying, and tht u will listen to all i havta say and love me for it.

and tht dear one who said, say what u really wanta say when u feel like saying it. (my guts donor)

starbucks+bubble man(who is starting to have a bubbly head and shoulders not yet knees and toes, cause hes being "blown" too much)+hippo momo and violet the friendly car+east coast=rocks my socks BIG TIME

a couteous lie.

i refuse refuse refuse to forget!

roses roses and more roses. :)

so yes im turning into a busy busy bumble bee.

on a random note, why do guys like to promise me meals, like isit a courtesy thing. seriously. like if u dont mean it DONT ask it. and o my tian this is not a one off thing, it happens like ALOT. does my face really write, hey-i-need-a-meal-with-someone-anyone, ok mayb it really is a courtesy thing.

i shld do more surprises for my friends, like yuanyuan's cookie (failed) surprise. wheeeee. i know ure very proud of me for not crumbling into lovesick madness. :)

bubble mannnnnnnn to the rescueee. ok random scream. hahahaha.

first of the gang

its amazing how many memories i have collected in these six months.

like. what if they were with u?

but i guess we'll never know.

so dont/stop look(ing) back, i tell myself.

cause it will all be fine, we all need a little backbone.

and one day i will meet the one who will wear my grape-soda badge. (well at least i hope so, hur hur.)

The Call

comex. laughing.
mulitude of films on sex workers. pondering.
zee avi. bbq chicken wings, kaya toast, satay, ice milo. 3 times. smiles with full bellies.
mango sago (HOW CAN THERE BE NO JIANG TANG?) memories.
east coast. kite flying. balloon helicopter. sparklers. old-school-balloons. 4am. laughter and running.

dont need to say goodbye. tears.

thank u.

god loves me, he sends me someone, one after another.

he-who-shall-not-be-named, lao yong, uncle leon.

and slowly i rise from the fall, i lean, depend, rely, and cease to crash and hit the ground, time and again. saved time and again by people around me.

mel loe:) xuanyu:) and my three successive safety nets who have stopped me from falling into the pits in their different ways.


Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

how to be dead.

im feeling an improvement in happiness index levels recently.

:)

films at sinema rocks my socks big time.

random food outings with uncle leon rocks my socks big time.

and outta all these rocks my socks outings, im happy to have let go, of tht incessant nagging voice in me that has been waiting all this time, all this while. waiting. wait. stagnant.

to whoevers up there in the skies, let me have the strength for this state of mind to continue. thank u for sending me someone that prevented/distracted me from crumbling into misery, hopefully the next will be the one who wears my grape soda badge, walks with me up the hills for picnics and dances with me in living room.

let me learn to love and let go, and maybe someday, learn to make tang yuan.

when i look at the sky

And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day

And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before

And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss

And pick you up in all of this when I sail away

DMZ trip was wellllll ok i guess. but somehow it makes me feel like plunging myself into an amazing career and working with organizations like the UN. which is good since im usually an unambitious prick. the man u match was good though. especially since im not a soccer person. i kinda rooted for seoul to win though, somehow, they appeal to me more. though i must admit owen was coughs coughs not bad looking. hahaah.

todayyyyy i want to thank... miaos, for listening to me cry, for talking to me before i start crying, and talking to me when im crying. for always just being there to listen to me ramble on, just cause i dont want to/ cant bear to feel the loneliness in walking home alone. soooo, thank u thank u thank u. for being there, whenever, wherever.

and. he-who-shall-not-be-named, thank u, for being the sweetest ever support i have ever felt. for making me feel so so so much love, though well everything is sorta awkward and stagnated now. but still, u gave me memories that were lovely max, and u are amazing. :) it just wasnt the right time for us i guess. but its all good. and thank u for being there, for diverting all my sadness so i din crumble and break, for all the sweet lil things u did that melted me time and again. memories remain alrights, so thank u u amazingly wonderful amigo.

記得有個人曾讓你那樣的心碎

我不夠認份

所以怕再為誰作出犧牲

愛要有天份

所以我始終學不會放任

我不夠天真

不允許我傻傻的等

對自己殘忍多殘忍

我要有分寸

我太過認真

所以才相信所謂的永恆

愛讓人恍神

所以止不住不小心沉淪

我太負責任

不允許有太多悔恨

對自己坦誠多坦誠

我自有分寸

我只是無辜的人 很需要歎氣聲

有一些文字的吻 只留給傷過的人

明知道有些問題沒有答案 還是要問

原諒我 因為我就是 這樣的女生

i cant believe im not doing any work when theres THREE essays due SOON.

and its a sign ok A SIGN, my cute boy (which qi says looks like an ahbeng, but its so not true, and yan/naz agrees with me) has walked past me twice, for like 4 days consecutively. ok fine granted that hes in my class, thts not the point, hahahah, the point is we bumped into each other twice outside class everyday ok. like how wootsie please! THIS IS A SIGN. dear cute boy u better fall head over heels in love with me, if not dont walk past me can. thanks. (and i refuse to say hi, cant YOU say hi, dont say dont say lo, sulks)

sooooo, these few days have beeeen, an emotional rollercoaster. which im glad seems to have slowed down a bit now. SEEMS. i hate it whenever i calm down, and SOMETHING has to happen. and i totally breakdown like nobodys business. dumb i know. but sigh. its scary, to know that u can feel SO MUCH for a person, in which u break down and cry with heaving sobs (thinks about someone during a speech, coughs coughs, ok inside joke). and just well cry and cry and well cry more. and everything, everything hurtful that was said, rings in ur head, with tht same voice, same tone, same like atmosphere.

went for lunch alone today at my favourite noodle stall. woots. its amazing tht i have finally managed ta gather up the guts to do such stuff here. like finally. mayb its a step. forward i hope.

o yaya! and i went ta snip my hair. so now i look a little mushroom-y.

anyways, so todayyyy, im going to thank... jang jang janggggggg... vonny yip and yuan yuan. cause they have been there thru my grey black or white?- kinda times. thru my von howwww, tanheyuan howww-times. thru my indecisiveness over haircuts. and have always managed to survive it, albeit being v irritated. PLUS they have always given me the most logical, rational, calm-ish advice ever. which well is amazing. im thankful for u two, cause i cant imagine two beryls speaking to each other, we would probably go into massive panic attacks ten thousand times a day. so yes, thank you you two, for being the calmest ppl ever. i come in peace, and i adore u two alot. since i say so much nice stuff, von can i have my hongkong longchamp messenger bag at half price, and yuan yuan, can u send me 500 sing dollars by next week ya. PRETTY PLEASEEEE. adoreeee u both to the max (if my wish is granted of course). hahahahahahahahahaha

with love.

命运好幽默 让爱的人都沉默
一整个宇宙 换一颗红豆
回忆如困兽 寂寞太久而渐渐温柔
放开了拳头 反而更自由

ok i have not blogged in ten thousand years. well, so here i am in korea.
and its the end of the third week.
three or four more weeks and i will be back in singapore.
i dont think im ready to leave this place, this bubble im in.
im not ready to face everything back there, alone.

im grateful, for all those who made me feel loved, vvv much loved before and after i left.
somehow, it made me drop a teensy weensy bit of the past i was living in. so thank u. i dunno if u know who u are. and im sorry if i dont tell u who u are. but, i will change that alright. :)

i have been slacing my butt off here, as always, i hope the finals wont kill me.

random notes bout koreaaaa:
i love kim/gim-bab to the max.
i love the noodles near our dorm to the max. (so much so i went to eat it alone, jang jang! big feat ok)
i shop so much i think i am runnin short of money (heyuannnn, HELP!!!)
all the clothes i buy have a few main common themes (grey, blue, white, striped)
i think ahujumas and ajushis hate me to the max, even here in korea
my suayness reigns, imagine this, the fried chicken uncle, REFUSE to sell ME fried chicken (like wth right)
im seriously totallly considering a tattoo (yes the same thing after all these yrs)
i miss monster many many.
i miss some i shldnt be missing, for now.
i cry too much at night, and i look fugly in the morn.
i have felt a multitude of emotions which i have never experienced before.
i did some stuff on my own which i would never have done before.
i learnt to open up a little.
i still need to learn how to smile more.

so i have decided to thank people whom matter :) two a day.

so dear mel loe and lao yongs, the two whom i whine, sulk and complain to so much im amazed they have not killed me, thank you.

fifi-ed

a new start for the whiney woman (ooo alliteration).

due to horrendous incapability to delete the old blog, nor change anything, fifi has decided that it is best to start shifting her whines sumwhere else, start writing it down, instead of calling ppl and whining for approx 1 hour everyday.

ok i take tht back, i prob will still call and whine.

fifi has also decided its high time to get back to tanning and excercising, losing the flabs and slathering on makeup(ok fine all fo the above will prob not ocme true with the laziness i indulge in).

4 essays to go, one week to complete, wish me luck y'all.